I can't stop thinking that..... Nicolas Cage is a human Dementor

My hatred of Nic Cage goes way back and is to the point of unreasonableness. I can't really put my finger on why I hate him. For those of you having read Mike's OC column, this would be the flip side to not being able to describe what you like about a girl. Maybe it's because of his penchant for overacting. Maybe it's because of his willingness to star in even the crappiest of movies. Maybe I'm just jealous because he dated Penelope Cruz. I don't know, the bottom line is that I despise the man. (Note: I promise this post has some contemporary relevance and is not just unprovoked hatred on Nic Cage, not that he doesn't deserve it and far worse).


Now, I'll admit, this hatred has taken on at times rather unreasonable and unusual forms. For instance, I thoroughly enjoyed "The Rock." Normally, if somebody you hate stars in a movie you enjoy, you would hate that person slightly less. Not so. After the Rock, I hated him even more for starring in a movie I liked so much. Ditto for "Adapation." Absolutely loved the movie. Cage even did a great job acting in a very restrained and understated manner in the movie. Did I hate Nic Cage any less for being in a movie that was amazing and doing a fine job acting in it? Far from it. I hated Nic even more because he ruined the movie twice over by playing not one but two characters well in it.

The pinnacle of my hatred occurred during successive trips to Vegas. During the first trip, I was awoken after being out till 6:00 at around 9:00 AM to the sound of Nic and his horrendous accent blaring ("Put the bunny back in the box") from the adjoining room as they watched Con Air. Now, the reasonable thing to do would be to direct my hatred toward the people occupying said room. After all, who the fuck watches Con Air at 9 in the morning, in Las Vegas of all places? However, as has been made abundantly clear, when it comes to Cage, I'm anything but reasonable. All I could focus on was his stupid southern accent, his receding hair line, and the fact that he gives his daughter a stuffed animal that had been floating in a fucking Las Vegas sewer. One's imagination need not run rampant for too long before coming up with twenty reasons as to why it's stupid to give your child, who you have never seen, a petri dish for a present. "Hi darling, nice to meet you, here's syphillis and some other rogue STD for you." On the next trip, after viewing this clip, I found myself howling in laughter. The title alone had me cackling. But Nic Cage, in true Nic Cage fashion, sucked all the enjoyment out of it for me. I was consumed with questions, namely, what has to happen to man to stoop so low as to dress up in a bear suit and punch a woman? It was then that I realized that Nic Cage was the human equivalent of a Dementor in that any time he appeared, the enjoyment would be sucked out of whatever moment it was.

Point and case, the article I read today. Apparently Nic Cage is quite the extravagant spender and now finds himself teetering on the brink of insolvency. Two highlights from the article: first, he owns not one, but two albino King Cobras (and naturally a vial of antidote) and second, he modified a Bentley to the point where he couldn't fit in it anymore. Now I can appreciate wanting your ride to shine, but what does one do to a car to preclude anyone 5'8" or taller from fitting in it, and more importantly, shouldn't fitting in the car be at the top of list of "things for which functionality shouldn't be sacrificed in favor of shining"? While first reading of his demise, my emotion could best be described as unbridled joy, but soon, that feeling subsided in favor of a loathing and sadness that knows no bounds. Why the sudden shift? Because it occurred to me that not only was this the reason for his omnipresence in all things suck over the past decade or so, but this would also guarantee his continued role as the flagbearer of the International Flag of Suck for the foreseeable future. Once again, my hatred for the man had gotten in the way of what should be a celebration, his financial ruin. So Nic Cage, I hate you. I don't even know you but I hate you. I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and you alone. But I know that even if they do, you'll somehow find a way to spoil that for me because I haven't learned the patronus charm yet, and for that, I say, fuck you.